Unholy Confessions
by Failure Turtle
Summary: In light of his recent path into the good side, Edge decides he needs to repent his sins at his local church. One shot.


**A/N: No, I did not think of this right as my alarm (METALINGUS, OBVIOUSLY) went off and my stepsister will not get out of the bathroom so I cannot get ready for work...This is supposed to be a humor fic, so if religion stuff easily offends you, then just stop reading. I know nothing about religion, nor do I care, but I at least know about this part of church.**

"Jesus fucking christ, I haven't been in one of these since I was a kid," Edge mumbled to himself, situating himself in the confessional booth at his local church.

"Language, son," the anonymous priest scolded the WWE Superstar from the other side of the booth. "This is a holy place, and we do not defile it with such language."

"Sorry, Father," Edge quickly apologized, straightening his tie and adjusting his jacket. "I'm just...not really sure about how to do this. I'm not exactly one to apologize, and all."

"Yes, I am aware," the priest said. "I watch the WWE. That Cena fellow is a real go-getter."

"You watch WWE?" Edge asked in shock.

"Of course. The Lord watches all."

"Makes sense," Edge nodded. "So, what exactly do I do, here?"

"Just tell me all of your sins, son, and you will be forgiven. In your recent path to the good side, this is a wonderful step to take to truly become pure, just like that Cena fellow."

"But I have a cross tattooed on me. Isn't that good enough?" Edge asked, pulling up the sleeve of his jacket and shirt to show off the tattoo.

"So does Rey Mysterio, but we do not like him. God does not hide behind a mask, afterall. God is not a coward, son."

"Okay..." Edge trailed off, confused. "So, Father, I guess I'm sorry for all the bad things I've done. I'm sorry for throwing John Cena's WWE Championship into the Long Island Sound. Well, really, Lita did it, but it was my idea. So I'm sorry for that."

"As you should be," the priest chided. "That was an expensive piece of equipment, there."

"Yeah, but mine was so much cooler," Edge sighed with a smile. "The spinning Rated-R logo...Ah. Anyways what else have I done in the same of being crude, lewd, and tattooed? I can't really think of anything else."

"Really, son? I can think of a handful of things right off the top of my head. But it is not my job to remember for you. You must be forgiven because _you_ want to be, and if you really want to be forgiven, you will remember," the priest explained.

"I guess I'm sorry for using Vickie Guerrero like I did. That was kind of a heartless thing to do. And I'm sorry for beating up Kofi Kingston and taking his place in the Elimination Chamber," Edge said.

"That's more like it. You are forgiven, son."

"_Even though everyone knows he didn't deserve to be there in the first place_," Edge muttered under his breath.

"What was that, son?" the priest asked, not quite catching what Edge had said.

"Huh? Oh, nothing. It was nothing. I was just remembering to apologize for dressing up as a camera man that one time and totally demolishing Undertaker and Batista."

"I don't quite think-"

"And I'm sorry for being a dick just like everyone else and returning at the Royal Rumble just like everyone else does. Man, I'm losing my edge. Hah, get it? _Edge_?"

"I quite understand, son, but you have forgotten one of the most vile things you have done during your tenure in the WWE."

"Oh, Father, are you talking about the live sex celebration? Because we didn't actually get to do anything because that old bag, Ric Flair, interrupted, so I'm not really counting that. There was no actual penetration, so we did not commit any sex outside of wedlock," Edge explained, including very vivd hand motions.

The priest shook his head and buried it in his hands.

"And, I guess I'm sorry for...Well, since you higher ups are all on Cena's junk...I suppose that I am sorry for slapping Cena Sr.," Edge announced, resting his hands on his lap.

"That, son, is what I was getting at. And I think now that you are forgiven, you can truly take on the path of purity and lead a good-"

"Good? _Good_? If I have to keep apologizing for having fun, I do not _want_ to be good. Sorry, pops, I'm going to take the easy route and be an asshole again. Thanks for your time though. Don't worry, I'll make sure to get plenty of beatdowns on Cena just so you can see him some more. I'm out, chumpstain," Edge ranted, standing up and taking off his suit jacket and tie, and untucking his dress shirt from his pants. He swung the jacket over his shoulder and opened the door of the confessional booth and strutting out of the church.

Once outside, Edge turned around and glanced the holy place over one last time.

"Maybe Lita and I should have celebrated here."

**A/N: Please go bad again, Edge. Please, for the sanity of the Edgeheads. Review, please.**


End file.
